What is my intention for this conversation?

I have a friend who will want to talk and he’ll tell me why. Often he’s asking me to just listen while he talks some­thing through out loud. By stating his intention, it makes it easier for me to under­stand what I’m asked to do and decide if and when I can partic­ipate. When his invi­tation comes, I feel honored and grateful; and after several of these conver­sa­tions, I now eagerly await the next time we’re together.

It’s rare when I can state my intention at the start of a conver­sation, as I’m usually oper­ating in a “not-thinking” or “enough-about-me-have-you-read-my-blog” moment. When I’ve been able to think through my inten­tions and then state them, the usual conver­sation becomes unusual. The result: memo­rable (at least for the rest of the day) and I have that “time-well-spent” feeling. When I ask the listener to actively partic­ipate, I feel a closer connection.

Here are some inten­tions I would have provided in recent conver­sa­tions. Asking myself a clar­i­fying “why” reveals further understanding.

What would I like for you (the listener) to do with this information?

• Do nothing — Why? I think you’ll find my story funny; you seem to need a good laugh. Why? Probably means I need a good laugh.
• Agree with me — Why? To prove I’m right; others in my story are wrong.
• While I’m talking, think of similar situ­a­tions you can share with me — Why is it OK for you not to listen? What I’m saying is really not important to me and probably not important to you. (I spend most of my “not-coaching” conver­sa­tions in this mode — as a listener or a speaker. Sad to report.)
• Just listen — do your best to shut down your thoughts and be very present; try not react to what I say (no judgment). Why? I’ll learn more about myself and the situ­ation as I share my story with you; I might see the situ­ation differently.
• Do nothing — Why? I’m a fasci­nating person, let me tell you more about my life. Why? Hmmm…
• Ask me ques­tions — Why? Help me see the situ­ation differ­ently, learn some­thing about myself.
• Disagree with me — Why? Help me see the situ­ation differently.
• Tell me what you would do — Why? Gives me some options to consider, although I rarely do what others tell me to do.
• Listen, then tell me “You’re not crazy” or “You’re insane.” — Why? Tell me you’ve expe­ri­enced a similar situ­ation. (You’re not really going to tell me I’m insane, are you?) Why? If you’ve expe­ri­enced some­thing similar, I must be right.
• Do nothing — watch my mouth move. Why? We have to do some­thing while we’re together. Why? Sitting in silence will feel uncom­fortable. Why? Hmmm…

Now that I’m aware of my inten­tions, it’s probably a good idea to ask myself, “After our conver­sation, what is my hope for this rela­tionship with the listener?” And then decide whether or not to proceed with the conversation.

Which of these conver­sa­tions would you most want to experience?

Oops, almost forgot. My intention for writing this is to learn some­thing new by putting thoughts on paper, to help me remember to think through my inten­tions before launching a moment, and to learn from others’ expe­ri­ences in comments below.